Yesterday, I just wrote a post about business administration, people governance with the belief system. Although I am known as a writer of love, why do I still write about other topics? Because one has to live completely his own life to be able to love one person wholeheartedly and enjoy the love. Like our point of view on business management, human governance (in the previous post), we also govern the family based on the belief system. How has the trust system between us been built?
Enrich Fromm – the German psychoanalyst concluded: “Love is formed in the condition that preserves the individual traits of each party. Love helps people overcome the feelings of isolation and division, but still allows us to be ourselves to maintain integrity. The paradox in love is that two people become one but still two.”
The name “The house with two lives” says all our support for that point of view. When translating the website into English, the translator asked how we wanted to translate the blog name into English? And I have translated it as “The house with two lives” (can be understood as “the house with two lives or two-individual-lives”). For us, love is not a barrier but a motivation for each person to continue to grow and pursue their own desires. Different from being single, now, I always have someone by my side to support, embrace, love, protect, forgive, and accept.
The thought of two individuals in the same house emerges lively. Love always needs active liveliness when both partners act to reach the destination they want, not passively waiting for the results to happen. And the initiative in love is giving, as opposed to passivity which is waiting to receive.
Perhaps, many of us are wrong to think that we have the right to expect intense love from someone and forget that at first, we need to give. At this time, love between two people is voluntary, not one side forces the other to accept, or vice versa, the other endures to bind himself to belong to someone. Giving away is different from sacrifice. This concept should be clarified and even emphasized. Everyone’s heart is like a garden. We can only give away fragrant flowers and fruit when the garden is green and rich. Giving does not happen with a sense of loss, and does not make the garden desolate. To love someone is to give him/ her love and trust first.
There are hardly any rules between us. The two do not have to always appear together at events to show love, for he is always not interested in being in the crowd. I can go out for a beer with a male friend, and conversely, he also casually texts with female friends. No one is the mainstay of making money or saving money in our family. If I am tired today, I don’t want to talk, he will be quiet beside me. There are times when the two of us lying side by side and each watching a movie of ourselves. When we have leisure time, we cook; when we are so busy, we eat out; when we suddenly feel in the mood, we leave our food at home to go for a beer.
Trust keeps each person a whole in love. Belief is to believe in the person unconditionally – to believe in him, not in the conditions he has. An easy-to-understand example given to differentiate those based on “credit” and “trust” that Kishimi mentions in his book “Dare to be happy” is when a person borrows money from the bank, the bank gives him money not because the bank trusts in the person, but rather in the guaranteed value that he gives (income level, assets, transaction history …). You don’t want to fall in love with the way a banker verifies his customers to see if he/ she is trustworthy? Then believe in yourself, in the person you love, in your relationship. Because only with trusting, two people can give each other the freedom to continue living as two independent individuals without fear of feeling lonely.
Between us, there is self-happiness, with trust, freedom, and respect, not interdependent, not forcing ourselves to do something because the other person likes it and then there are many things that oppress the other. It is not the kind of freedom to completely do what you like, to live the way you want no matter what the other thinks, but the relationship is naturally coordinated by mutual understanding and connection between two people. Understanding enough will help us to have an insight into all matters. Sometimes, he gets angry at me not because I do anything that lets him down, but there is resentment behind that made him hurt by another underlying cause and overreaction is just the way he shows that he is being uneasy. Understand, so that people can love each other more in such unreasonable anger.
But the most difficult thing about running such an ideal relationship is how two people come to a mutual agreement? Because the love story of both cannot be decided by one person? Sometimes, we trust a person, but he or she does not trust enough in our love for them so he continues to search somewhere outside of this love or marriage. It is essential to have fair and straightforward conversations like two founding members of a company discussing problems happening in their own home. And if you have given love and tolerance but the giving is forever from one side, I hope you do not be stubborn in grief, but be happy because you have truly loved at least once in your life. and you don’t have to take a breakup as a regret. The one who can give is the one with a rich heart and soul, even though that heart and soul might have scars.