The feeling of marriage

How long should you love before getting married?

Some couples only love a few months before getting married. Some couples have been in love for many years but have not married yet. Some people “have” to get married because they have been in a relationship for so long that the two families urge them to get married. Some people are tired after a long relationship and decide to break up, being a single mother. Some people are busy looking for the right person, loving many people to compare and choose. There are people who do not prioritize love but put effort into work and social activities, then all of a sudden they post their wedding photos to the amazement of their friends and relatives. Some people are happy, and some people suffer. Thus, there is no mutual answer for everyone, but the answer is in everyone’s heart. I call this “the feeling of marriage”.

The feeling of marriage seems to be an emotional openness in the heart. In fact, feeling is a form of perception that occurs based on information provided by the senses, plus personal experiences and beliefs. For example, when standing on the balcony on the 81st floor of the tallest building in the city, looking down, we will feel terrified by the formidable height in front of our eyes, the wind blowing in our ears, touching our skin. The images from the movies we have seen and a rich imagination make us believe that if we fall, we will definitely die, and the heart reminds us that we still love this life so we should stand firm. In other words, feelings in general or the feeling of marriage, in particular, is the symphony of reason and heart. How will we feel at the entrance of a marriage? Excited, confused, or relaxed?

Back then, we only knew each other for a few months and officially fell in love for ten days then decided to get married. How strange! When he said, “let’s get married”, I nodded my head immediately, my heart did not wonder for a moment. I had a feeling of marriage to the man who proposed to me. Although at that time, I was still very young, just over 20, I earnestly wanted to stick with him for the rest of my life.

According to my observations, he is a kind man. Kindness contains many implications. When you acknowledge that someone is a kind person, you can think of a variety of adjectives to describe that person: kind, sincere, considerate, honest, straightforward, altruistic, forgiving, and sympathetic. … A kind person in love and marriage means he is faithful to you. Then loving and marrying a kind person are clearly the standards far more important than all other standards!

He often talked about his family with his father, mother, younger brother, and younger sister in a kind voice. He cared for my family and friends with warm, sincere affection. He is willing to help others, even if they are not close to him. He did not say that I was beautiful to please me, but he would criticize “you look so pale today, put on some lipstick, and go out to chill!”. When the two of us traveled together, he would always cover up the sheets and arrange the hotel room quickly before leaving. When he rented a car, before returning it, if the car got dirty, he took the car to wash before returning it. Back then when I owned a café, he also supported me a lot in my work. That proved he supported the dreams of his lover.

Knowing that he was a person who had worked in art and was from the North, my parents immediately worried because they did not know if that guy was honest with their daughter. He, with his intelligence and humor, resolved the concerns of my parents, as well as softened the relationship between the future parents-in-law and the future son-in-law very gently. He brought all the identification documents such as his ID card, household registration, driver’s license, high school diploma, university degree … to submit to my father as if he was applying for a job so that my parents would be assured that the things he told were… true. My father could do nothing but… laughed. Through that, I believe that this man is brave enough to protect me from all the storms of life.

Everything he did, even if it was a tiny act, made my mind tell me to rest assured and believe and my heart constantly shake with emotion. Yes, I do not need a handsome, rich, and talented man. I need a nice man. Of course, you should find no reason not to fall in love deeply with someone who is kind but also handsome, rich and talented?! But above all, he should be a nice person.

My middle school friend said that once she was on a business trip abroad, she heard that her mother was hospitalized. Although the relationship between her and her husband was unclear at that time, at that moment, the first person she thought of was him. And he took her place to settle things at home gently. Even later, when they are married, all her troubles are gently resolved by him. She loves him, firstly because of her admiration, besides that, by trusting, wanting to give her life to him. A very peaceful life. I also have another girl who got married when the feeling was still unclear. She fell in love with one person but decided to marry another person as a way of escaping so that in the end, their love was not big enough to overcome the challenges, which finally led to a broken marriage.

Do you have a “feeling of marriage” with someone? The question, in a simpler way, is, are you willing to stick with one person, for a lifetime? Does your mind receive and analyze information from the senses to conclude that your partner is a worthy person? Does your heart tell you that you cannot leave this person? It was a vague feeling that was often overlooked, and it took me a long time to name it. But this is a signal to me as to whether I’m ready for a long-term relationship.

If you have the feeling of marriage with someone you love, it means that all of your inner answers are clear, you are no more considering, I congratulate you on mastering your choice! What if you don’t have a “feeling of marriage”? In my opinion… it doesn’t matter! One sister of mine shared, she has been independent for too long to know how to share her life with another. Thinking about not being able to decide everything on her own but all her activities and schedule will more or less be related to her partner, she feels annoyed. And she chooses to be a happy single woman. She believes the feeling of marriage will emerge when she meets the right person, so she can take off her hard “shield” and teach her how to share her life with that person.

When sharing about the feeling of marriage, I do not intend to encourage everyone to get married, but on the contrary, I want to send a small message, that whoever we are, let’s get married when the two of you have the feeling of marriage. To know if you have the feeling of marriage with someone, you must first understand yourself – who you are, what you need from the other person, and then see if your feelings are big enough to love, to sympathize for each other. Like me, I know I can’t live without love, but my partner has to accept me as a small woman who needs to be shielded at times but also embraces her desires, ambitions which I want to follow to the end and always need loving support. Our 7-year marriage has proven that the feeling of marriage that day has helped us make the best decision in our life. In our marriage, we still keep ourselves as our true selves.

Published on the Women magazine, October 2020