Do We Need Boundaries in Love?
– I just broke up with my boyfriend. We were together for five whole years!
– How do you feel now?
– Sad, but also relieved.
– Mm…
– Loving with everything I had left me exhausted.
– What exactly wore you out on that all-in journey of love?
– Changing myself to fit what he wanted.
– For example?
– I live pretty much by my feelings, but my boyfriend wanted me to think, analyse, plan, weigh things up… Basically to be stricter and more disciplined with myself.
– What was the good side of that strictness, for you?
– Becoming a better version of me. But I was tired.
– Yes, I understand. Do you know why you were tired?
– Because I had to try too hard.
– Where was the boundary of your trying?
– Oh, right! I never drew any boundary at all. That must be my weak spot.
….
Does the story of this girl who broke up with her boyfriend out of exhaustion sound familiar?
Before I truly understood love, I had been in a similar situation, so I understood how she felt. We often think of love as total devotion: when we love, we should give our whole heart and do our very best for the one we love. We are not in the habit of drawing boundaries between us, afraid it will slowly make us selfish. But only after stumbling in love do we see that boundaries, and a little selfishness, are necessary to keep the mind and heart healthy – and that is what makes love last.
If someone cannot accept the boundaries their partner sets, perhaps their love is not yet big enough. Because to love someone wholly, we happily face, every day, the things they like even when we are not so fond of them ourselves. In a relationship where one accepts and the other cannot, how can the two reach the infinite point of love’s journey together? One way or another, one of them will burn out.
Whenever he suggests I should change something, I always slow down and reflect on whether his suggestion suits me. If the change helps me and our relationship – a simple example being keeping the house tidy – I agree that it will help me organise my work and run my own life better, while avoiding plenty of pointless arguments. So I am very willing to change my messy habits. But I always draw a clear boundary: there will be times when I am tired and cannot tackle the mess, and I can comfortably leave it until the next day; or, I like my desk (my own space) to be messy, because having things mixed up sparks creativity and inspiration and helps me work more effectively.
Boundaries between two egos are a necessary condition for lasting love. Be a little selfish, love yourself a little, to save your energy for… loving each other!
